He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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