he wants to bone in the snuggie
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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