Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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