Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
