I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
