Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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