I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
