Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
