paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
