Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
