Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
tell me about the eggs
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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