First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
