Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
