And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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