Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize