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Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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