At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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