Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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