My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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