just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
