Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
