Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
