My nipple is on Facebook.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
