the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
