Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
