I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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