Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i may or may not be watching the land before time
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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