some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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