that's an acceptable place to lick
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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