There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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