After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
