i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize