Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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