Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
