I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
