I will die if light touches me.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
