is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
