I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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