Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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