we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
