Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
