I think im going to throw up on grandma
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
