8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
