Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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