I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
