When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
