Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize