I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize