When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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