There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
