those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
