His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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