yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
