...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
