I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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