Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
