Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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