Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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