If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just pee around me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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