I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize