I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
